ADELE - 'Make You Feel My Love'

One of those weeks

This week, good Lord willing, I will be 50.  I never thought that I would be 50. I was supposed to be a teenager or young adult forever.  Aren’t we all?  We were never going to be those other people. They were cute, precious, sweet, but still old.  I look in the mirror and I don’t see me.  I see some overweight, old lady who let herself go.  I was an older mother but I am not my children’s grandmother as some people mistake me for.  I have an aunt that used to happen to.  I thought it was awful for her, now I know for sure it was. My husband would say, “Then what are you going to do about it?”  I wish I could tell him something.  Some days I am frozen in place not feeling like I will ever change anything.

I am afraid it will just be one of those weeks.   My husband is deployed.  This year, he will miss my 50th birthday, Valentine’s Day and most probably, our 25^th wedding anniversary. It is what it is.  My children hear that a lot.  I was under the mistaken notion that because they were older things would be fine.  They are not.  My oldest daughter tries extra hard to be good and helpful and cries for her daddy.  My youngest daughter yells at me and acts out and cries for her daddy.  I sit and wait for their daddy to call and then have nothing to say.  What can I say? He is not here, the situation stinks and we are a couple who keep company, doing our own things, together.  He doesn’t talk much and I talk too much but long distance calls don’t lend their selves to hanging out together and chatting (especially when he works 10 hours a day 6 and sometimes 7 days a week).   He is tired. I am tired. So I get irritable because I want him to have something to say to me.  I get angry because I want to have something to say to him, something that is not a problem or a complaint.  I want to be able to be where he is and just hang out.

We did not go into this blind. He enlisted after we were married. It was a choice we made.  I am not unhappy with the choice.  It is just one of those weeks.  The weather is gloomy. The girls are having semester finals and we miss daddy. Oh, and I will be fifty.  A day above ground is a good day. I will remember that and be grateful but it may take me until next week to accomplish it.

Merry Christmas from my Family!

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OH THAT CAT!!! and our Christmas tree

     We love our cat but she drives us nuts!  She wants to eat the tree. She wants to climb the tree.  We watch her like a toddler because we will not give up our tree or our cat.  She is curious, but I also think the changes we have to make in the house to make a tree fit, confuse her.

     Someway, we will have the Christmas tree and our cat.  We may have to make some decorating adjustments but it will be okay.  It is "Tradition!"... can you hear Tevye singing?  Our girls are almost grown and it is important to them and to me and I hope to Dave. He patiently lugs the boxes up and down and straightens or adjusts or moves without much complaining.  He is the best!

     As a child, we always had a tree.  One year we couldn't wait because we thought Daddy was taking too long, so William and I traipsed out behind the house and got one ourselves. It was probably not our most beautiful, but I still remember that little adventure I took with my oldest brother!

     Throughout our life together, Dave and I and the girls have always had a tree.  Some years I get overwhelmed and threaten not to put one up, but we always do.  Through a Christmas deployment, when the tree stayed up until Dave got home, cool or weirdly warm Texas Christmases, and cold or snowy Tennessee, Oklahoma, and German Christmases, the tree is a standard. It links our holidays.

     Our tree is not a theme tree like some, or elegant like others.  It is a scrapbook.  One we only take out once a year.  As we go through the ornaments, we are touching memories.  We pick and choose which ones to display each year, but even the ones not hung bring back memories.  There are ornaments from friends far away.  Others, we have bought each year for each other or the girls.  We are saving theirs up so when they have their own home, part of us will be with them at Christmas. It will be a "mini" hope chest gift in a world where most people don't have a hope chest any more. There are the Christmas crackers that remind of us of David's childhood and his family. There are also the ornaments from my Mama, plastic icicles, even one from her Mama and ornaments she shared with me. They keep me close to her and Daddy every year, no matter where I am.

     Each year as we open the boxes to decorate, it is a little like opening a time capsule.  We remember places we have visited, people we have known, events in our lives.  Some make us smile, some make us laugh out loud and yes, some even make us sad. That is okay though, because even the ones that make us sad help us recall happy memories.  Some of the reminders were bought in stores, some were lovingly crafted by friends, and some were made by sweet little hands in Bible class or Girl Scouts or other places just for fun. There is even a styrofoam cup angel and a decorated twig that I would not trade for the world.

     So the cat, Luna, will adjust and so will we.  We will have the tree and we will have the cat and things will be  okay. I will sit in the dark with the tree lights on this year, like past years, and remember.  My dear friends and family, know that I will be thinking of you as I do.

     I guess it is time to find a cat ornament for the tree.

     For Americans, this is the week we celebrate Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a tricky topic, not a religious holiday, though often treated like one, and often not much about giving thanks.  We spend the holiday worrying if there will be enough to eat, then we eat too much and sleep it off in front of the television.  We watch football and parades. We shop, we consume, and we indulge ourselves! It can be hectic and noisy and often after the celebration, we realize we must have missed great chunks of what went on because of the chaos of the holiday.

     On Facebook, there are ongoing 30 days of Thankfulness postings. I have enjoyed reading them. I have even posted my own. From one of my most clever friends, there has come a very comical/satirical series of postings in reply to these called: “15 days of unthankfulness”.  He is a person it has been my delight to know since he was a child?... teen?....for a long time!  Let’s just say I have known him since I was a grownup and he was not.  He is clever and honest and always makes me think.

     The thankfulness postings have caused me to pause and think too.  I have found that on some of these days, I have struggled to find something to post that I was thankful for.  I think I need to think about that.  My life is good. I have all I need and just about anything I want. I even have some things I didn’t know I wanted.  So why am I having to struggle to find things to be thankful for?

     I know what I would tell my girls. I would tell them they have a bad attitude!  So I guess I should say, “Self, you have a bad attitude!”  The problem is, people like me have a hard time listening to our own advice.  What I think I see so clearly in others, I have a hard time dealing with in my own life.  My mouth works and my ears don’t.  I wish I was the perfect person I so often portray myself to be.  If those closest to me were the mirror through which I saw myself, I know I would be appalled.

     For longer than I want to admit, I have been what can only be described as a crotchety old woman.  I could blame it on the fact that I am turning 50 in a couple of months and getting older just comes with a lot of changes.  Or, I could blame it on the year we have had.  Those close to me understand what a year that has been. But, I don’t think those reasons would be true. Lots of people turn 50 and everybody has times when they have to go into crisis mode, for whatever reason.

     The truth is inside me.  It is in how I spend my time and what I value or don’t value enough. It is about having a self centered life instead of a Christ centered life.  I worry about appearance over substance.  I seem to be locked in this fog of inactivity and indifference.  Wondering where the days went and worrying over what I didn’t do but also obviously not caring enough to do it.

     So what must I do to go from grumpy to glad?  It is not enough to say I am thankful for ...I have to find a way to feel it.  I need to really start to see things as they are. Honestly, at almost 50, I need to grow up.  Sometimes my children see things a certain way, but their perception is not based in reality.  I think that is part of my problem, but I am not a child.  The world does not revolve around me, believe it or not.  I guess it is time I realized that.  It is time I finally see all I really have.

     I have a God who loves me, who provided a way for me to be with Him.  I have a wonderful network of family and friends. I have children who, when I actually look at the problems some parents face today, are no problem at all.  In fact, they are real blessings.  I have a husband who has stood by me for almost 25 years, even though I am selfish and grumpy.  He is steadfast and faithful and so, so good to me. I do not deserve his love but he gives it to me day in and day out anyway.  I have parents I can still go to for advice and brothers who are there if I need them. I could go on and on with all I have. 

     Now all I need is an attitude/heart change and with God’s help that is one thing I can give myself.  In the VeggieTales story about Madame Blueberry it says, “A thankful heart is a happy heart.” So, I will make an effort to start looking at life the way it really is. I will attempt to clear the fog and get on with things. I will open my eyes and be thankful, at least I will try.  Today I will be thankful for YOU. If you see me with my grump on, let me know!